I dearly love my wife.

Among her best qualities — and it’s a long list — are things like boundless energy and a Pollyanna-like view of how things can always be tweaked and made better (or simpler).

But it’s time to admit that she occasionally fails. For instance, this is how long it’s been since she posted a little piece about making our own toothpaste:

76 days

And this is how long it’s been since we knew this was a collosal failure:

75 days, 5 hours

Since we gave folks the recipe here on the blog, there may have been an implicit suggestion that they try and make the product for themselves. So we’re way overdue in telling you not to do this very thing, because:

  • What we made tasted like poop.
  • What we made looked creepy.
  • What we made was taking a whole re-education in how we brushed our teeth.

I discovered the last fact immediately, as a put a little of the “paste” on my brush, ran it under a little water, and discovered the “paste” was gone. It was like magic. David-Copperfield-like crap. Like Paula Deen’s career.* So the trick was to wet the brush, put the stuff on, transfer it to your mouth, wet the brush again, then actually brush. It was too much, given that I’d just learned that I’ve been tying my shoes wrong for more than four decades.

We abandoned the homemade toothpaste almost immediately — set it aside to use as a household cleaner, actually, so it’s not a complete waste. And maybe we’ll try again with a different recipe.

In the meantime, we got us a nice little tube o’ AIM. (Speaking of which, can anyone figure out why it’s 1/5th the price of other toothpaste? It’s got the dang ADA crest on it.)

* Too soon?

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